Well, well, well, what do we have here? Seriously. I can’t see. I’m suffering from a mild case of vertigo as my delusion of a successful Alabama football team is actually overlapping reality and it's making me nauseous. I assume all you DAGGUM BARNERS are watching in awe as the Crimson Tide celebrates another National Championship? That’s right, electing Barack oBAMA to president counts as a National Championship for the Tide! ROOOOL TIDE! As you all should know, Barack Obama is the descendent of the Scottish founder of the University of Alabama: Wallace O’Bama. Once again, prepare for a seemingly tedious history lesson from a Bammer you API scum!

Wallace O’Bama, was not born, he simply became. He was the greatest Scotsman ever known. Some say he reacted to the color Red like a bulll would, with complete rage! It was about that time Wallace O’Bama created the greatest invention ever: The Crimson Tide. It was like what bleach does for white clothes, except Crimson Tide specifically kept your red clothes clean and spotless with the slight scent of morning dew dripping from the windy plains of Scotland, while ruining anything cloth related that was not originally red. It was an immediate success and everyone who bought Crimson Tide stained all their clothes into a glowing red, and thus the Bama Nation was born.

On top of the presidential election, Alabama also has succeeded in finding a new successor to the Bear! Now that Saban has arrived and has deemed us worthy of his graces, Alabama now holds a majority of the governmental branches (Executive, Congress, AP Poll)! Now it's time to start making some changes to the town of Tuscaloosa. Enough living in the past, its time to start thinking about the future! With all the sort of technological advances that are available now that Alabama controls the government, think of what we can accomplish! I imagine Tuscaloosa becoming a futuristic city, where there are homes securely attached to the ground! I call them “Immobile homes!” Imagine a world with super-fast tractors that can hold more than one passenger at a time! I envision a world where you don’t have to get up and adjust the tin foil on your television in order to change the channel! But not everything I see Saban doing has to do with technology that you only see in futuristic movies like “You Got Mail.” I think the Tuscaloosa is ready for an educational facelift. Since there obviously aren’t any SCHOOLS in T-Town, I suggest that we just have the Alabama Football team teach children how to do the important stuff in life, like bar-fighting, drug dealing and drunk driving

Needless to say, the rise of Saban is going to bring about great things in Tuscaloosa. Now here’s the question: Since Saban is obviously the Bear reincarnate, should we keep wearing houndstooth hats? I think we should take a more progressive method of praising our deity. Instead of honoring the Bear’s past, let’s honor the present by mimicking his trademark parted-flowing hair! Everyone, get a wig! This die hard Bama Fan has the idea!

Speaking ole' Fubberville, did you hear that Tuberville had a heart attack this season? Did you hear that his wife left him? I also heard from a very reliable source that CTT went to the zoo and was mauled by an elephant! One of Tuberville’s assistants told me that he went out and got drunk last night, AND NOW HE’S PREGNANT! I know, what a complete tool! Uh oh, NEWS FLASH! Tuberville has a WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! And by the way, all this waving fingers around and saying “Look out for number 7” garbage is pointless. I can’t count. You might as well be yelling at me in Pig Latin or one of those daggum dead languages. Put you in your place, didn’t I? You daggum dirt-farming Barners! Roll Tide! E-mail Booch at ryan@theauburner.com

An Auburn win at the Iron Bowl will be a day that will forever live in hilarity. Buy your tickets to history from TicketCity.