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by Mark
7-21-06
Before I give some preseason thoughts, I’d like to share a moment I had the other day when I realized my enjoyment of Auburn football had shifted from ‘hobby’ to ‘mental disability’. I was watching some documentary on The History Channel about World War II while eating lunch in the living room. Suddenly, I felt chills and I had absolutely no idea why. It took about 20 seconds and I figured it out. They were showing archive footage of tanks in France and the background music was the same music from the video the Jordan-Hare jumbotron played before the players walked out. You know the “Auburn Will Rise” thing.
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Apparently,
Auburn football has been so hardwired into my brain; just like Pavlov’s
dog, stock symphony music will involuntarily give me chills. This probably
isn’t a good thing. Do you have a similar story? Send them to mark@theauburner.com and make me feel better about myself. Auburn fans only. I don’t want to hear about the time you shot your son in the head when ‘Bama lost. |
I’ve come up with a theory about Al Borges, but I don’t want to come out and directly say it. Instead, I present these facts and I’ll let you decide what the truth is.
FACTS: 2. In 2002 and 2003 Brandon Cox was unable to play football because of a muscular disease called “myasthenia gravis”. I’m no doctor, but muscles are important in athletics. 3. In 2004, after Borges’ arrival, Brandon Cox is a quarterback, in 2005, Brandon Cox is one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC. 4. From 2001 to 2003, Auburn’s two beastly running backs consistently have injury problems, forcing them to miss big games. 5. In 2004,
after Borges’ arrival, there are no injury problems for the star
backs. 7. He has a disproportionately hot wife 16 years younger than he is. |
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8. During the 2005 Iron Bowl, an Alabama player accedently runs directly into Al Borges going full speed, helmet first. Al Borges is knocked out. He then got up and implemented a touchdown drive the next time Auburn had the ball. A mortal man of his size and age would’ve died.
I leave with you this question:
I think my favorite
player going into this season is David Irons. The media guide says he’s
6’1”. There’s no way he’s over 5’10”,
but he’s still the best cornerback in the country. There’s a man
named David Irons in Washington who’s a politician. If you ever got
confused between the two, remember that the cornerback David Irons is the
one that has NOT punched
his own mother in his face.
Another reason why I think about football far too much; I obviously Google
player’s names from time to time. Which brings me to this recommendation:
Do not search for Courtney Taylor. Apparently, he’s also a white female
‘adult film actress’.
Exactly how good
will Auburn be this year? So good, the athletic department will have no choice
other than to retire every single player's jersey at the end of the season.
This’ll result in hexadecimal jersey numbers being introduced in 2007.
Did I miss anything?
Let me know at mark@theauburner.com
