December 19, 2008
Eltoro Freeman signs a Letter of Intent.
This week was one of the most depressing weeks as an Auburn football fan; The Alabama beating was still fresh on our minds, Tuberville had been fired and Auburn's entire coaching staff comprised of one man who was riding a 10 game losing streak. However, a new hope emerged when Eltoro Freeman signed a letter of intent. During these dark days, Eltoro Freeman lifted us up with some poetic words of encouragement;

“We're coming back. Me and the boys are coming! I'm ready. War damn eagle! I just can't wait to be a part of the Auburn family.”

As for recruits who didn't want to sign with Auburn?

“If Auburn can't get them, we'll beat them. If we can't get you, we'll beat you.”

He's the Benjamin Franklin of Auburn football. You know that everything he says is true because his name is Eltoro Freeman or “the bull-free man”. Even if he never plays in a game, he deserves recognition. He gave us something to be excited about at a time when we thought we had little reason to be excited.

December 24, 2008
Al Borges hired at San Diego State University. Are you a defensive coordinator in the Mountain West Conference? If so, I'm sorry. If you have children, cherish every moment you spend with them during this offseason. Take in every moment. Cherish each second spent with them and remember those moments for the rest of your life.

Once your children see Al Borges and his offense dismantle your stupid defense, your kids will never look at you in the same way. They will have watched you fail in such an incredible fashion that it will forever tarnish your image. They might tell you otherwise, but you'll know from looking in their eyes that they no longer consider you a man.

Be thankful for the time you have left. You have the entire Spring and Summer months. Don't try to improve your defensive schemes, it will be time spent in vain. Spend the time with your children. The embarrassment is inevitable*.

December 28, 2008
Gus Malzahn hired. My outrage over the Borges firing in 2007 has given me a big head. Even though I lusted after Malzahns awesome Arkansas offense in 2006, I can't help but to believe that nothing but evil can come from the spread. I also tend to think that every bad thing that has happened since 2007 has something to do with Auburn's abandonment of the I-formation.

Fun fact: The Dow-Jones has dropped 48% since the last time Al Borges coached a game at Auburn.

I feel bad for Kodi Burns. The term “built for the spread” has probably been used to describe him more than anything else. However, when he originally signed with Auburn in 2005, he was signing up to run in a west coast offense. He received many other offers to be involved with a spread offense, particularly from Gus Malzahn's Arkansas team in his home state. He chose Auburn over Malzahn's Arkansas. Three years later, he's in a spread offense and he's being coached by Gus Malzahn. Does this tarnish the concept of free will? Is winning his destiny?

Despite questions concerning the nature of the universe, Gus Malzahn will rock at Auburn. He has shown his talent at Arkansas and Tulsa and his influences have reached the NFL. There's no need for us to worry.

January 2, 2009
Curtis Luper hired. There are few men in sports that I respect more than Eddie Gran, so I hated to see him go. Luper, however, is a great replacement.

Auburn wants to reestablish itself as RBU, or “Running Back University” - and to do so, we hired a guy who is just a few months away from earning his PhD. That's awesome. I'm certain that Professor Luper will be a great Dean of Running Backs. His mustache and signature sunglasses are pretty cool, but I think he needs to embrace his academic side. Imagine Luper walking the sideline holding a pipe and wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches. That would be amazing.

January 21, 2009
James Willis leaves for 'Bama. I hope he loses every single game while at Alabama. However, this isn't because I want Willis to personally fail. I still consider Willis an “Auburn man” and I think you should too. If James Willis wants to live in the dump called Tuscaloosa in hopes of learning to be a ruthless, arrogant and grossly overpaid professional, I won't blame him. In fact, many other Auburn graduates do the exact same thing every year. The only difference is that instead of calling themselves “Nick Saban's assistant coach”, they call themselves “law school students”.

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com

Check out tickets for football games which are a loooong way away here.

*I hope you didn't assume our obsession would stop just because he got another job.