BCS Halloween Plots
by Mark
11-2-06

Warning: this article is really stupid and now invalid due to West Virginia's loss.

The fate of the BCS hinges on a Thursday night Big East game. Welcome to Bizarro World. Before the 2006 season started, Tommy Tuberville found one of those magical monkey paws. If you don’t already know, a monkey paw will grant you three wishes – but they come at a horrible and ironic price. On that stormy August night, Tuberville held the paw in his hand and dramatically proclaimed; "My first wish is to beat all top ranking teams on the schedule."

The monkey paw granted the wish and ironically had Auburn lose to Arkansas.

"For my second wish... I wish every team that goes undefeated has a shot at the national championship"

The wish was granted. Tonight, Louisville and West Virginia are playing a Thursday night game for a possible shot at the national championship game. Oops.

Remember when we thought a conference couldn’t be given more undeserved respect than the PAC10? Dang. Those were the days.

He still has one wish left. I hope he’ll think very hard about wishing for something that can’t possibly backfire. However, even though I think Tuberville is a genius, he does have a habit of not immediately learning from mistakes. Lets hope he doesn’t say something like “I wish Kenny Irons will run as strong and fast, like a horse, against Georgia!!”

This year's BCS plot is developing like a high school movies from the 70s or 80s.

You see, The AP Poll and The Coaches Poll were in the cafeteria one day eating lunch. The AP Poll turns to The Coaches Poll and says, "I bet I can make any chick here the most popular girl in school!" The Coaches Poll says, "Even West Virginia? No way!" The AP Poll then said, "I'll take West Virginia with me to the Big Dance – Corso and Herbstreit will all talk about how cool she is. I'll dump her at the dance, have Ohio State punch her in the face and everyone will laugh. It'll be awesome."

"Cool!" says The Coaches Poll.

West Virginia is the unfortunate ugly girl in this situation. She should listen to her emo friend (Louisville) and not go to the dance.

Where does Auburn fit in at BCS High School? Auburn’s not one of the jocks, like the Polls, and we’re definitely much hotter than West Virginia. Auburn is probably Carrie - from the horror movie of the same name. If Auburn makes it to the big dance (national championship game, by the way), everyone will scoff and say she's not worthy - she almost lost to Ole Miss, right? I think if Auburn is given the chance to go to the Big Dance, she'll get fed up of all of the belittlement from her peers and use her telekinetic rage to destroy the school gym. I thought the video was a little too scary for this site… so I just made it small. Half the size = half as scary. I saw about 20 minutes of this movie (for the first time) on AMC the other day.

On second though... that's a pretty bad comparison... Anyways...

I drove to Huntsville this past weekend and I, for no logical reason at all, listened to talk radio the entire four hours.

The main topics were the upcoming election and college football. Based on what I heard, both institutions are incredibly corrupt in America. Why?

Computers!

Computers are going to screw up the election. Computers are going to screw up the college football championship. Heck, Great Britain’s top paper practically declared defeat to a computer uprising earlier today. Is America next?

Speaking of these ‘computers’ If you go to any college football related message board, you can easily find a correspondence which goes something like this;

“I think we can make it to the championship game if [blah blah blah]”

Then a dozen people will immediately reply with

“We can’t look ahead; we just need to look at one game at a time. That’s why we lost to Arkansas; we were too worried about the BCS.”

These guys will say this stuff with full confidence that the thoughts of college football fans somehow affect what happens on the field.

The one instance in which fans can help the team is in cheering – however it only helps in the slightest bit. Also, one voice screaming amongst the thousands of fans won’t make a difference in the outcome of the game. Yet – I’m all for cheering. That’s pretty ironic considering I probably won’t get around to voting on Tuesday*.

It looks like there’s a chance we can make it into the BCS game. It’s interesting that some of the main characters in this year’s saga are Tuberville’s former lackeys; Texas’s Gene Chizik and Louisville’s Bobby Petrino. It’d really sweet if USC wins out and we still make it to the championship game despite similar records.

War Eagle!!!

E-mail mark at mark@theauburner.com
*just kidding about the voting... I hope.