| Auburn
Coaches 1892-1950 A Lightly Exaggerated History 6-30-08 by: Mark
A
highly respected scholar, George Petrie was the first Alabamian
to receive a Ph.D. He graduated from Johns Hopkins University
and founded Auburn's history and graduate studies departments.
For all of these things, nobody cares. However, in 1892, George
Petrie invented Auburn Football. Over a century later, it
remains the single greatest contribution to society by a man
with a liberal arts Ph.D. F.M.
Hall (1894) Even
though he only beat one team while on the plains, his victory over
Sewanee was so impressive, Auburn would name most buildings on campus
partially in his honor. John
Heisman is a college football legend and was Auburn's first
robot coach. Auburn has had three robot coaches throughout
the years, but Heisman was the only robot sent from the future.
Coaching at Auburn from 1895-1899, he lead Auburn to two undefeated
seasons and left Auburn with a 12-4-2 record. Also, he played
a key role in legalizing the 'downfield no bounce intentional
fumble' also known as 'the forward pass'. In
1934, John Heisman completed his unknown mission and was melted
and molded into trophies which to this day await activation
for their next mission.
Billy
Watkins was an easy going yet ruthless riverboat gambler who
once claimed he'd never leave the Mississippi river unless
in a pine box. It was a bluff. He became Auburn's head coach
in 1900 and enjoyed a 3-1 season. However, he slipped to a
2-3-1 record in 1901. Meddling trustees traveled to Kentucky
in a private zeppelin to hire Robert Kent before firing Watkins.
Many people believe Watkins would've found success as a football
coach had he been given more time. Robert
Kent (1902) Robert Kent only spent one year with the tigers. Most Auburn fans don't know his name, but we've all know the story of his 1902 game against Georgia; Until 1902, Auburn's battle cry was “Tallyho Tigers!”. This changed on a chilly November afternoon when Auburn played UGA in Atlanta;Georgia was winning 12-5 with just minutes left in the game. One of the game's spectators was an old Auburn professor - who also happened to be a great sorcerer*. Fearing Auburn would lose the game, he grabbed his staff and shouted “WAR EAGLE!”. The clouds grew dark and winds swept through the playing field. A giant eagle descended from the sky. The eagle was a sight to behold. It had a thirty foot wingspan with orange and blue flames emitting from its talons. The eagle began circling the field as the Auburn spectators yelled “Waaaaaaar Eagle!”. The eagle then landed midfield and proceeded to devour the Georgia players. The ones who tried to escape were critically wounded by laser beams emitting from the eagle's eyes. When the eagle was finished terrorizing the field, it flew back into the clouds. The game continued once the wounded were carted off the field. Auburn quickly ran up the score since there was no Georgia opposition left on the field. Unfortunately,
the referees would not acknowledge any touchdowns Auburn scored
for the rest of the game. They found the eagle massacre in poor
taste and awarded Georgia the win. Nevertheless, Auburn left Georgia
that day with something more important than a win – they left
with an awesome battle cry. *The mysterious professor was also a Civil War colonel, an Indian chief, pirate, anchorite, lumberjack, fighter pilot, Buddhist monk, vampire, giraffe and a samurai warrior... but he was mostly sorcerer. Mike
Donahue (1904-1906) Iron “Mike” Donahue was Yale's starting quarterback in 1902 and 1903. Donahue lead an interesting life; He was Yale's starting quarterback in 1902 and 1903. He was the first quarterback to be filmed during a football game. He was the first college football player to have a hook for a hand, and he was Auburn's youngest football coach having taken the Auburn job just months after graduating from Yale. Willis
Keinholz (1907) Up until this point, the Iron Bowl traditionally ended with players from the losing team partaking in seppuku – or honor suicide – on the 50 yard line. When the 1907 Iron Bowl ended in a tie, members from both teams did not believe disembowelments were necessary. Coach Keinholz and Alabama's Coach, J.W. Pollard, resigned that day, disgusted by the cowardly acts of their teams. The Iron Bowl would not be played again for another 40 years – two years after the NCAA further sissified football by banning on-field seppuku. Mike
Donahue (1908-1922) In 1914, his team outscored opponents 193-0. These teams could easily be considered national champions, but retroactively declaring national championships for years they weren't given would be silly. Correct protocol? Throw parades, distribute high fives, enjoy the season. Boozer
Pitts (1923-1924) Boozer Pitts was, obviously, a hobo. Despite being a hobo, and a mediocre win-loss record, fans absolutely adored him. He was a friendly hobo; the type that would sing happy songs about mountains made of candy - not the stabby type. Students and fans loved the way he'd tell stories by the trash fire and perpetuate old Auburn traditions. Despite his new life as a well-to-do football coach, his old hobo habits remained. One Saturday, after a big win against Georgia, a group of students noticed Boozer throwing a roll of toilet paper in a tree. It was proper hobo etiquette to throw toilet paper in front of businesses as a signal to other hobos that nearby shops contained hobo-friendly water closets. Hobos were very cautious about letting the public know about the signal. When the students questioned Boozer about what he was doing, he said “We won the big game! We should throw toilet paper in a tree to celebrate!” A tradition was born that day. Unfortunately, his love for traditions would lead to his departure from Auburn. In late 1924, Pitts was sentenced to three years in jail for cutting the break cables to Georgia Tech's team buses during Auburn's “Wreck Tech Pajama Parade”. Dave
Morey (1925-1927) Dave Morey was a dull man. Auburn's administration hired him because he was the candidate least likely to attempt to wipe out a team from the state of Georgia – a trend becoming all too common on the plains. After three years of perfect mediocrity, tiger fans demanded change. The problem was solved when Boozer Pitts was released from prison.
The country was in the midst of The Great Depression when Chet Wynne become Auburn's head coach. Luckily, the team was loaded with Boozer's hobo recruits. During the depression, most football games were decided by the team with enough strength to stand long enough to run a complete offensive play. Boozer's recruits had the ability to survive by eating old shoes and burlap bag stew. Their ability to do this resulted in a 9-0-1 record in 1932. A school in Tuscaloosa won national championships during the depression (1930 and 1934) by raiding orphanage kitchens.
Jack Meagher became Auburn's head coach in 1934. With the depression still in effect and Boozer's recruits gone, Meagher did the best with what he was given. He went 48-37-10 over the course of eight seasons. But remember, this was the depression. Only 12% of teams had winning seasons. That's not even mathmatically possible. Things were that bad. 1943: no football Auburn did not field a regular football team in 1943 due to World War II. However, Auburn did participate in an all women football conference (the AWFC) which helped fill the college football void for one season. When the war ended, Auburn's women's team disbanded. However, the All Women Football Conference remained in existence and gained popularity in the northwest. In 1979, the AWFC was renamed the Pac-10.
Earl
Brown wasn't one of Auburn's great football coaches. He only won
three games over the course of three years. However, he is to be
commended for helping restart the Auburn-Alabama rivalry. The most
memorable win of the Brown era was the 1949 win over Alabama. Heavy
underdogs, freshman Auburn runningback Tre Smith rushed for 213
yards and lead Auburn to a 14-13 win. Smith would be a valuable
backup runningback for Auburn over the next 47 years. |
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