Position Coach Preview 2008
8-1-08
by: Mark


Position coaches. Usually, they're nothing more than your standard high school football coach who managed to suck up to the right people. They're yes men who might as well wear gray sweaters with the word "Henchman" written across the chest.

This is not the case at Auburn. Tuberville is a 'big picture' kind of guy. He doesn’t view himself as a football coach. The ‘CEO’ label often attached to him doesn’t fit either. Tommy Tuberville simply sees himself as a humanitarian – a humanitarian whose mission is to fix everything wrong with the state of Alabama. Tuberville doesn’t even like football that much. He merely sees being Auburn’s head coach as means to an end.

So what’s his plan? Tuberville thinks education is the keystone of a functioning society. He sees Auburn providing the state with functioning members of society; agriculturists, engineers, healthcare workers… people who make the world a better place. The University of Alabama? They mostly produce lawyers and Bear Bryant biographers.

Tuberville sees this as a waste of valuable state resources. Even if he were governor, he wouldn’t be able to cut funding to The University of Alabama. The governor alone doesn’t have that kind of power. As Auburn’s head coach, he has the power to break the will of the Alabama fan base. When the will is finally broken, literacy rates will go up, obesity levels will go down and the state of Alabama will become a utopian society.

Personally, I’m not sure if I agree with Tuberville’s practice of secretly running a shadow government – but it’s hard to argue with results. Since the recent Iron Bowl streak started, unemployment rates in Alabama have dropped by nearly half.

Obviously, someone who covertly manipulates society doesn’t have time to micromanage a football team. This is why position coaches are so important to Tuberville.

Let’s meet the cabinet members of Tommy Tuberville’s shadow government;

Tony Franklin – Offensive Coordinator & Quarterbacks

Tony Franklin is possibly the most dedicated coordinator in the country. While other coordinators are combing their hair or brushing their teeth – generally paying attention to their hygiene, Auburn fans can rest assured that Tony Franklin is spending that time working on ways to score points.

Tony Franklin was hired as Auburn's Offensive Coordinator after Tuberville noticed an ad for ‘The Tony Franklin System’ in a Skymall catalog.
Things are going well for Tony but things haven't always been like this. He left Kentucky under disappointing circumstances. Out of a job and broke, he spent years on the streets turning trick plays to high school coaches. Eventually, he became a superstar when he invented The Spread Offense. If you’re a frequent listener of sports radio you’re already familiar with The Spread – it’s an offense consisting of nineteen very, very, tiny wideouts and one superhuman quarterback.

Greg Knox – Wide Receivers

As Auburn’s recruiting coordinator, Knox employs radical recruiting techniques. For instance; he thinks players perform better on Saturdays if they’re NOT in a jail cell during football games. Due to Knox’s highly unorthodox, outside-the-box thinking, Auburn is the only major public school in the state where students don’t need to fear being assaulted at gunpoint or have crack pushed on them by a football player while on campus.

Furthermore, Knox recruits football players who, if they WERE criminals, they wouldn’t need firearms when robbing people. If an Auburn football player wanted to rob a student – they wouldn’t need firearms since their regular arms are far more powerful than any handgun.

Coach Knox is also Auburn’s wide receiver coach. While his players don’t often break receiving records – Knox produces the most clutch wide receivers in the SEC.

Knox has won Auburn’s annual “Football Coach Pirate Lookalike Contest” every year since 1998 with the exception 2002.

Eddie Gran – Running Backs and Special Teams

Auburn has always had at least one excellent running back while Gran has been at Auburn. However, consider what he had assembled in 2004 in particular; Carnell Williams, Ronnie Brown, Brandon Jacobs, Tre Smith, Kenny Irons (couldn’t play because he transferred, but he was still on the team). Amazing.

Before being coached by Eddie Gran, Kenny Irons wasn't even a starter for Lou Holtz's South Carolina team. After transferring to Auburn and experiencing Eddie's magic he became the SEC's leading rusher.

Gran is also Auburn's special teams coach. He's run the 'globe' kickoff twice this past season and once in 2004. This play is so insane that it can't even be done in video games.

Also, one of his kickers kicked TWO last second field goals in ONE game. That shouldn’t even be physically possible without creating a rip in the space time continuum.

We can assume he's planning more insane special team trick plays for this year. Here's my prediction: As you know, Auburn's kicker and quarterback both wear the same jersey number. Wes Byrum should start wearing a helmet with a visor. It's weird for a kicker to wear a visor, but Gran will tell the media that Wes is fearful of late hits from Urban Meyer sympathizers. When the time is right, Gran will have Burns wear Byrum’s helmet and he’ll run the greatest fake field goal in football history.

When Eddie Gran is not making grief and sorrow rain down on defensive lines of the SEC, he can usually be found crushing the financial burden of families with children with health problems.

Steve Ensminger – Tight Ends

Similar to Don Dunn, Ensminger is an expert blocking coach. Coach Ensminger has had a busy year ever since Tony Franklin informed him that Tight Ends are eligible to catch downfield passes. Look for Ensminger's players to put up huge numbers this year while still being great blockers.


Hugh Nall – Offensive Line

Hugh Nall has an amazing gift of being able to turn large athletes into concrete walls possessing vague humanlike characteristics.

Hugh Nall is probably most excited about the upcoming season because people will probably stop mistaking him for Al Borges during Tiger Walk. He’s also excited about the chance that TV commentators will stop bringing up the unfortunate chopblock from last year’s LSU game. Do you have ANY idea how hard it was for me to exclude “You make me weak at the knees” from this year's batch of Auburn Football Valentine Cards?


Paul Rhoads – Defensive Coordinator & Secondary

The title “Defensive Coordinator” is a formality. Tommy Tuberville is Auburn’s defensive coordinator – but his DC license was permanently suspended by congress for violating antitrust laws while a coordinator for Miami’s monster defense in the early 90s.

Even though Will Muschamp was a better puppet coordinator, Paul Rhoads does improve Auburn’s football team. It was the third quarter of the South Florida game last year when Tuberville made an embarrassing realization - he forgot to hire a coach for the secondary – for a fifth year in a row.

Usually, this wasn’t much of a problem. When a player struggled at cornerback or safety, the player would be moved to linebacker and everything would 'work itself out'. Unfortunately, a few teams finally figured out Auburn’s only defensive flaw - playing against the downfield forward pass. Who would’ve thought?

Rhoads will perfect Auburn’s defense by making the secondary his primary focus.

Terry Price – Defensive Ends

Terry Price is one of the most sadistic people you will ever meet. What did John Parker Wilson ever do to Terry Price? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So why does it bring Terry Price so much joy to see John Parker Wilson in so much pain? Don't try to find reason in it. Just be thankful that Price took a career in football, where his desire for destruction can be focused on quarterbacks and running backs and not entire nations.

Don Dunn – Defensive Tackles

When Tuberville flips out at referees, Donn Dunn is usually the guy who slaps Tuberville across the face saying “Get a grip, man!”

His name is similar to Donald Duck’s.

Has an emotion chart.

James Willis – Linebackers

Auburn’s youngest position coach, James Willis is the only position coach to have played for Auburn. Willis has shown that he’s an excellent coach, especially when it comes to conditioning. Check out the image below. To the left is a picture of Merrill Johnson working with Coach Willis in early 2007. The right side shows Merrill Johnson last December.



What’s Tuberville’s secret? How can Tuberville be so successful when it comes to position coaches? It’s simple. He recruits the best… and he employs sleazy rumor campaigns every December to prevent these men from receiving job offers for head coaching positions elsewhere. Unethical? Maybe. But it’s for the greater good. It’s just a part of Tommy Tuberville’s Trojan horse of socioeconomic prosperity he’s forcing on the state.




E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com
Our sponsor Ticket City has Auburn tickets check them out before buying elsewhere.