Hang down your head, Derek Dooley.

Let this marinate for a moment; In the first two games, a wide receiver rushed seventeen times. The same wide receiver and had zero receptions. In the first game, a fullback was the team leader in receptions (8) – yet he had zero carries. In the next game, the fullback, who you thought had become a receiver, rushed nine times and yet only had one reception. Everything you know is wrong.

Kodi Burns better win some sort of national award for the nation's top wide receiver. Since I'm an Auburn fan, I have no idea what such an award is called... but Kodi Burns should get it since I doubt there's ever been a wide receiver to score five touchdowns despite only catching one ball.

Chris Todd's completion percentage was lower against Mississippi State than it was in every game he was in except one last year. The result was 49 points. Once again, up is down and everything you know is wrong.

Apparently, Lee Ziemba lined up as an eligible receiver at one point. Gene Chizik says he'll do it again, but he'll never be thrown the ball. It doesn't make any sense, which means something awesome will most likely come of it.

There's simply no explaining Gustav's* offense. Let's try to examine it by looking at a random page from Malzhan's book.


This is actually in his book.

Are things getting any clearer? No? Exactly. He even uses wildcat misdirection to sell books.

Malzahn, shortly before celebrating the win with Potsie and Ralph at Arnolds.

I mean, look at this guy. He's a cross between Richie Cunningham and Genghis Kahn. He has four perfectly aligned pens hanging from his pocket. What a nerd! Nerds aren't supposed to coach football. Sure, sometimes you'll get a quirky guy like Mike Leach or Terry Bowden who somehow sneak their way into the profession, but you'll never find a complete nerd on the sideline. Gus Malzahn probably chose the career because he viewed it as the most legitimate occupation that is most similar to a dungeon master. I think we can safely say that Gus Malzahn is worthy of our irrational obsessions. But, Is it time to trust Gene Chizik yet? Probably, but it's not time for me to let go of my irrational preconceptions. For instance, the BCS is Gene Chizik's fault. Imagine if Chizik had not left Auburn after the 2004 season.

It's not inconceivable to think that had Gene Chizik stayed in 2005, that the defense would've performed better in the season opener against Georgia Tech. It's not out of the question to think that Chizik would've been able to hold Georgia Tech to two fewer touchdowns. It's also reasonable to assume that Chizik would've been able to hold LSU just one more stop during any of their scoring drives. If those two things happened, Auburn would've been undefeated during the regular season.

Auburn would've probably been left out of the National Championship game for a second consecutive year since teams which started above Auburn in the preseason went undefeated. If Auburn, a team with 2 consecutive SEC championships and two straight undefeated seasons, were to be left out of national championship game, the outcry would've most certantly ended the BCS.

But, Gene Chizik figured that being Texas' co-coordinator was cooler than being Auburn's regular coordinator – and it worked out for him, but it was to society's detriment.

But now, the formerly 5-19 defensive minded head coach is shattering records on the offensive side of the ball and currently has the #4 offense in the country. Everything you know is wrong and it's looking awesome.

War Eagle!

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com