SEC Coaches and their Political Counterparts
by Mark
2-13-07

Ed Orgeron and Howard Dean

YAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Sure, they’re unstable and high strung, but their 'take charge' attitudes and larger than life personalities are sure to turn Ole Miss and the DNC around, right?

Two years later and the answer is still no.

Mark Richt and Al Gore

No two people have better reasons to hate the state of Florida than Mark Richt and Al Gore. Sorry guys, it may not be fair, but AP voters and the Electoral College don't care that you came close to winning in Florida because the bottom line is – you lost.

They’re both nice, if dull, guys who unfortunately have to pander to lunatic fanbases to survive their careers. Both are hits on the public speaking circuit – but who cares?

Phil Fulmer and Ann Coulter

The University of Tennessee is a fine institute of higher learning and the GOP is a party full of great ideals and people. Yet somehow, these two individuals have become superstars in their respective organizations and have amassed large groups of lowlife redneck supporters who ultimately make republicans and Tennessee alumni look like ignorant trash. These are dangerous people.

Nick Saban and Rudy Giuliani

They’re well dressed and use plenty of hair product to mask their receding hairlines.

They’re tough disciplinarians who pride themselves in taking total control of a situation. They expect nothing bet the best from others, yet they care absolutely nothing about personal ethics.

Is this a paradox? Or are they just hypocritical scumbags?

If the presidential race boils down to Rudy vs. Hilary – Mrs. Clinton will be able to rightfully claim that she’s the candidate with higher personal morals. Holy crap, that’s bad. At least Giuliani has been upfront with his career intentions - I’m looking at you, Saban.

Mike Shula and Hilary Clinton

As far as appearances go, they both love to wear gold necklaces and they both sound like women. No matter how hard they try, they will always live in the shadows of a beloved redneck who came before them; be it Bill or Bear.

Despite their devotion, they've been tossed to the curb as the new and prettier leaders have risen - Saban and Obama.

Steve Spurrier and
Donald Rumsfeld

They’re talented. They’re criticized for focusing on offense far more than defense. They have identical “screw you” smirks. 

Houston Nutt and
George W. Bush

There are so many people out there who like these two guys and wish to give them every single benefit of the doubt possible. “He’s a really good guy with strong morals” they say, and they’re probably right.

However, in the case of Arkansas Football and the US Presidency, they’re not getting the job done, and they seem to do worse and worse
every year. Both of these guys have random moments of brilliance, which buys them more popularity and time, but the trends are ultimately downward. It’s a good thing they have their bases.

Tommy Tuberville and
Ross Perot

Underestimate either for a second and they’ll go straight for your throat. Just ask Bobby Lower, IBM, George H.W. Bush, the Iranian government or any SEC coach. Each of these guys looked at Perot or Tuberville at one point and thought;

“He’s just a 110 lb guy with really big ears and a thich southern accent. He’s nothing to worry about”. 
Later, these guys learned that a computer salesmen or a former catfish restaurant owner can be capable of overthrowing governments, swaying elections, starting coups, ending coups and if you stare at their ears long enough to stop paying attention for one second … BAM! Onside kick recovered! BAM! Prison uprising!

Terry Bowden and Dick Morris

Ok, so Terry hasn’t been an SEC coach for nearly a decade now, but these two guys must’ve been separated at birth. They both short, fat and goofy guys who somehow pulled off miraculous upsets throughout their careers; be it Bowden’s perfect season at Auburn or Morris’ Clinton victories. Also, Dick Morris lost his job for sucking a prostitute’s toes while allowing her to listen to the president’s phone conversations. Terry Bowden was fired (sorta) for sucking at coaching.
These days, both are TV correspondents who regularly say bad things about their former employers.

Borges and Washington

One is a brilliant and legendary American hero known for devising ingenious battle plans. The other guy was the first president of the United States.

Bear Bryant and Rober E. Lee

It was surely unintentional, but these two guys influenced generations of rednecks into thinking that being a ‘winner’ in life has nothing to do with personal achievement and everything to do with the bumper sticker on your pickup.



Email Mark at mark@theauburner.com

 


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