The Dow rose 51% between Auburn's first and sixth wins in the current streak.

However, Auburn is down this year and Alabama happens to be up. Nick Saban, in just his second year at Alabama has turned the program around. People say the Bear has returned to Bama. The bears have definitely returned to the market. Since Nick Saban accepted the Alabama job, the Dow has fallen 32%.

The blunt of the drop happened after Forbes Magazine placed Nick Saban on the cover of their September 2008 issue. Since the magazine hit stands declaring Saban 'the most powerful coach in sports', world markets have taken a Croylesque beating.

If Alabama wins the Iron Bowl, the streak will be over. Bama will officially be back. All markets will crash. All currencies of the world will be rendered useless and there's no economic policy that can save us now – but there's still hope. John Keynes can't save us, but Josh Bynes can employ tackes for our well being. Karl Marx can't help us, but Sen'Derrick Marks can manifest pain onto Bama's offense. Adam Smith won't fix this problem, but Rod Smith can use his invisible hands to catch.

Economic policies won't fix things at this point, only Auburn can prevent worldwide markets from complete collapse. If you think civilization is cool, you'll cheer for the tigers on Saturday.

2. Tuberville's vigilante justice must be served to criminals.
Sometimes the judicial system fails. The NCAA doesn't help matters when they forbid Alabama to house their players in halfway homes athletic dorms. There's plenty of blame to go around, but that doesn't matter much to Tommy Tuberville. It saddens Tuberville that regular Alabama students must be in constant fear that an Alabama player could rob them at gunpoint, attack them in the street, or sell their friends crack.

By humiliating the Tide every year, Tuberville hopes to deter Alabama players from committing future crimes as well as punish them. Thus far, it doesn't seem like there's a correlation between beating Alabama and lowered Alabama football crime rates. In fact, it seems like crime increases with every Auburn win. This probably just means Auburn isn't beating them by enough points. More data is needed. However, individual instances of good have come from the Auburn victories; John Parker Wilson hasn't been arrested since his freshman year and we're very proud of him for that.


3. This might all be a dream.
I saw my first Iron Bowl in 2001. I was a senior in high school and I wasn't much of a football fan. Somebody my dad worked with had Auburn season tickets and couldn't attend the game and he gave my dad his two Iron Bowl tickets. I had recently been accepted to Auburn and was excited to see a football game. Even though Auburn was heavily favored to win the game, Auburn lost 31-7. While walking back to the car we passed by Toomer's Corner and noticed some Alabama fans rolling the tree. My dad and I stopped to watch some of the resulting commotion between the Alabama and Auburn fans. While I was standing there, an Alabama fan not involved with the argument came running from behind and accidentally hit me in the head with the beer cooler he was carrying on his shoulder. It didn't hurt too bad, it mostly annoyed me. My dad and I walked back to the car.

OR DID WE!?!?

Maybe that Bama fan actually knocked me unconscious. Maybe it's still November 2001. Maybe these past seven years have been a dream I'm having while unconscious somewhere between Toomer's Corner and the Blue Room. If Alabama wins the Iron Bowl I'll finally remember what it's like to lose to Alabama. That feeling might trigger my mind to wake up.

When I wake up, this dream will have been so vivid that I'll probably think I envisioned the future. I'll tell those around me that we shouldn't worry about the Alabama loss, because the next year a 5'8” freshman runningback named Trey Smith will lead Auburn to an Iron Bowl victory in Tuscaloosa.

After telling this to everyone I meet, I'll be deemed mentally insane and I'll probably be forced to live the rest of my days in a padded room in some mental hospital – I hear they have a nice one in Tuscaloosa.

This is an unfortunate fate for me, but it's even worse for you. If this theory is true, then you're just a figment of my imagination and don't even exist. Sorry.

War Eagle!

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com

An Auburn win at the Iron Bowl will be a day that will forever live in hilarity. Buy your tickets to history from TicketCity.