Is it 1979 yet? I’m not going to get out of bed or even acknowledge the present until it's 1979 again. In fact, don’t even mention to me that it’s the year “Two thousand something or other,” I don’t want to hear it. Where’s our good buddy Jamie Christensen when you need ‘em? The Bammer god of pulling the Tide out of tight spots wasn’t deemed healthy enough to save us against the mighty Razorbacks of Arkansas. I was clapping the entire game hoping that Jamie Christensen, aka “Money,” would come back to health, kind of like how Tinkerbell gets better when Peter Pan claps for her.

While I’m at it, I’m going to put two of my other idols on the back of the dollar bill. Who needs a daggum pyramid or a stupid eagle anyways? I bet Ben Franklin was drunk when he picked those two symbols for the dollar.

Instead of winning this game by at least three touchdowns, like we should have if Money were playing, we allow a traditionless program like Arkansas to sully our spotless record. The name of Arkansas’ head coach is Houston Nutt for the love of mullets! You can only point the finger at one person for this: Leigh Tiffin. I mean, his first name sounds like a daggum girl’s name! How can I, a Rammer Hammer Bammer Slammer, put my trust in a kicker’s name that is shared by half the cheerleading squad? We should have known better than to allow a walk-on named Leigh onto our sacred field. Jamie, on the other hand, is the kind of name that makes you want to grow a beard just so you don’t feel like less of a man next to a dude with that name. But don’t worry, I’ve taken the necessary action as the ultimate Alabama fan to fix the situation: I’ve egged Leigh’s parent’s house. Don’t worry about it, I’ve taken care of the problem, so we shouldn’t have to worry anymore about missed kicks from Mr. Tiffin, or as I am calling him “Peso.”

When asked about his thoughts on the game, Coach Mike Shula said “Hey, we beat them last year, and that’s what really matters!” I was also able to get a hold of Kenneth Darby for his thoughts on the situation: “Well, all things considered, my last name DOES rhyme with Arby’s. Who’s up for some roast beef sandwiches?” I didn’t really get what he was trying to say, but we went for some Arby’s anyways, but they screwed up my order, officially making it the worst day of my life.
Little does the world know, Alabama lost this game on purpose in an effort to catch Florida off guard and to lower Auburn’s strength of schedule… the same reason we lose every game. Roll Tide!

Ryan Booch can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com