I was talking to an educated person (outside of Campus, obviously) and he said that it is a natural occurrence for the ocean’s tide to recede on a regular basis. I figured this to be some sort of divine enlightenment to me: That just as sure as the Sun rises in the West, the Tide will rise again. I think all the blame that is being placed on Mike Shula is unfair. Alabama’s lack of success is almost completely out of Mike Shula’s control. I’ll tell you who is to blame for the lack of success recently brought about the Crimson Tide: those daggum Auburn Tigers!Mike Shula is being fired because he can’t defeat the Auburn Tigers… well guess what? No one can! Firing MacDaddy Mike for losing to Auburn is like firing my underwear for getting holes in it, there is just no stopping either one from happening.

But what’s done is done and now Alabama has to look for a new coach to carry on the infinite reign that is Alabama football. The Bama nation is at a complete loss as to who will succeed Iron Shula. If you are like me, you snuck into the labs at UAB in an attempt to duplicate the Bear’s DNA in order to create a clone. As it turns out, all movies about cloning were right, and trying to clone great people only leads to chaos… the clone ate my pet kitten Truffles! So NOW what are we supposed to do? We can’t have a cat-eating mutant coach running the sidelines. We’ll have to look somewhere else.

Everyone knows that Alabama is trying to get their hands on Nick Saban or Steve Spurrier to bring the Tide back to the big leagues, but word on the trash-filled-street is that Alabama is using this as a ruse to divert the public attention while they pursue their REAL target.

Gentlemen and Ladies (in that order), I present to you Alabama’s next head coach: Booch Chiggins!

There is no greater or loyaler Bama fan in the daggum world. I know everything there is to know about Bama football. If you like passing and special teams, then you are a daggum yankee! I’m going to bring SEC football back to the glory days before there was strategy and liberal Pac-10 influence. Water and Gatorade will be replaced by liquefied salt and two-a-days will be renamed “standard practice.” I will bring about a new era of old school. Roll Tide!

Ryan Booch can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com