10) Phillip Seymour Hoffman
9) Ron Howard
8) Topanga from Boy Meets World
7) Kevin P. Farley (Chris Farley’s brother)
6) Chyna (ambiguously gendered wrestler)
5) Piglet from Winnie the Pooh
4) Steve Buscemi
3) Hillary Clinton
2) Wilson (Auburner writer by day, crime-fighter by night, full-time ladies’ man)
1) Angelina Jolie (which was supposed to be a huge hilarious twist)

That list sucked, so I’m going to try again with a subject that I actually know a lot about: Disney Movies.  So here’s my Top 10 best Disney Characters of all time:

10) Donald Duck:

Short-tempered + speech impediment = hilarious.  I call it the “Don Vito Syndrome,” where someone gets so angry that the just yell out indecipherable expletives.  Donald’s misery is our joy.  Two words: Quack Attack.

9) Batty Koda*:

“Yo, the name is Batty / The logic is erratic / Potato in a jacket / Toys in the attic / I rock and I ramble / My brain is scrambled / Rap like an animal, but I'm a mammal.”  Easily one of the greatest pioneers in hip-hop.  Plus he was voiced by Robin Williams.

8) Dopey:

Dopey revolutionized stupidity.  It wasn’t until Dopey came around that being stupid was considered entertaining.  If it weren’t for Dopey, I likely wouldn’t be the astute journalist that I have become today… for all I know, if it weren’t for Dopey, I likely wouldn’t even EXIST.  That’s deep.

7) Belle:

Holy cow she is hot.  She reigns supreme as the unanimously agreed upon hottest Disney Chick ever created.  Yes, she is hotter than Jessica Rabbit, and much less of a sleaze.  Plus, she has incredibly skewed standards!

6) Captain Jack Sparrow
Not only can he beat you in a sword fight, regardless of how good you are, but he apparently has the magical ability to manipulate your mind to completely destroy all the values you have invested in.  At the end of “Pirates of the Carribean” Elizabeth’s father asks, “So, this is the path you've chosen? After all, he is a blacksmith.” And she responds, “No, he is a Pirate” (referring to Will Turner) and everyone smiles and is happy.  That is like if during World War II, General George Patton’s daughter fell in love with a German and Patton asked “Is this the path you’ve chosen?  After all, he is a German.”  And she responds “No, he’s a Nazi.”  And then Patton and everyone just smiles and laughs gleefully.  Jack Sparrow will do that to you.

5) Baloo:

Although he got owned by Shere Khan, Baloo taught us almost 40 years ago about the “Bear Necessities” which was later translated into “Hakuna Matata.”  He was also the pilot in TaleSpin.  Plus he’s a giant gray bear.

4) Peter Griffin*:

An American hero.  No one has had more random experiences and lived to tell about them than Peter Griffin.  He also gives us all hope that even though we are fat and stupid, we can still somehow get a hot wife.

3) Ed:

Ed can’t speak like the other Hyena’s can.  And for some reason that is hilarious.

2) Genie:

The funniest character in the best Disney Movie ever made.  Robin Williams jumps back and forth between family films and the most perverse and twisted stand up anyone could imagine, finding a comfortable medium in Aladdin. 

1) Gaston:

Everyone can agree that Gaston is who we all strive to be.  He has all the women, he’s the best at everything, and everyone likes him.  Nary is there a better role model for kids to look up to.  He also guards his home town when danger lurks, much like a shepherd protects his flock of sheep from the wolf.  Well, “Beauty and the Beast” distorts the truth and makes Gaston look like he’s the bad guy.  The Beast was going to attack the town and kill everyone!  The Beast is a cursed being who is as ugly on the inside as he is on the outside (Beast barely missed the top 10 list).  What isn’t there to like about Gaston?  He eats like 40 eggs for breakfast, he can lift a bench with three very hot chicks on it with one arm (chicks love that kind of stuff) and he has a cleft chin that makes Superman envious.  I was going to name my dog Gaston, but when my mom repeated the name, she pronounced it as if it were French or something.  So I named my dogs Styx and Blaze.

So there you have it.  A top 10 list that everyone can agree upon.  War Eagle!

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com

* Is not, and never was in/associated with anything related to Disney.