Story #1:
I was hanging out with some of my friends over at a girl named Allison’s place. We were all having a merry time but then it was time to go. I go home and then sleep to my heart’s desire (the best extent of sleep possible). I get up the next day and it is freezing. I look around and my jacket is nowhere to be found. I must have left it over at Allison’s place! So I contact Allison and others who might know the whereabouts of my jacket and, as far as they knew, it wasn’t at Allison’s place. “Well it’s not at my place, and Allison’s was the last place I remember wearing it, and therefore it must be over at Allison’s place!” They double check and still no jacket. “Uggggh! You girls probably don’t know what it even looks like!* It’s khaki colored with a brown collar!” They triple-check, and there is no jacket. I was this close (I’m making the generic “this close” gesture with my fingers even as I’m writing this) to going over to Allison’s to look for it myself. Days pass and I’m without a jacket, until I finally stop on the way out the door and look at the coat rack.

Well that sure looks a lot like my jacket, but it doesn’t have a brown collar… maybe if I unpop the collar…

Aaaaaaaaand I’m a jerk. Poor Allison checked her apartment three times because I’m too stupid to recognize my own jacket. God Bless You Allison, I’m sorry.

Story #2:
Wilson and I are polar opposites when it comes to moods. We can’t both be in a good mood at the same time because we are both annoying when we are happy. Well Wilson was in a good mood and decided to tie a belt to his foot and used the kicking motion to create a very powerful whipping attack. If that wasn’t enough, he was also waving around his $7 machete that he bought at Wal-Mart on one of our fishing adventures. So in a playful manner he’s running around, whipping and slashing the air, which in retrospect was hilarious. But I of course was in a horribly grumpy mood because I was either trying to either study or relax, which is impossible to do with a machete or a belt whipping at your eye (he missed by a good foot or so, but was still too close for me). I then do what I always do when Wilson does something like this, get really quite and grumpy. I go into the kitchen a few minutes later and start to fix up some hot chocolate. Wilson and Lawson interrupt and start suggesting I add a little flavor to it, “Come on, wanna spice up your drink?” And I think Wilson had something like Apple Juice in his hand, and holding it like he wants me to put it in my hot chocolate. I’m far too grumpy to even comprehend a joke and I take him seriously. I then go into an ultra-moody screaming rant, and I don’t even remember what I said, but it sure wasn’t “I feel happy and fine! AHA! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time!”**

Story #3:
Wilson, Wilson’s sister Lauren, Lawson and I are sitting around watching “Eight Below,” a movie about a pack of Huskies surviving in the frozen Tundra. I have two huskies at home in Charlotte and I love them to death so I thought this was the absolute cutest movie of all time, and I was grinning uncontrollably the entire movie. But that’s beside the point. At one point Lauren brings up the term “Study Date.” To which I, the ultimate source for universally known phrases, said “Well that’s why they used to call it ‘Going Study!” They give a half hearted laugh and Wilson buries his head into his hands like he always does when I make a horribly corny joke or say something stupid. Lawson responds “That is awful, that was the worst joke ever.” I wasn’t joking, I’m just an idiot. “You guys have never heard of that? My mom says it all the time! Dating means ‘going study!’” I am immediately pounced on “IT’S CALLED GOING STEADY!” There is a long silence. “Oooooh. That makes sense then. Welp, that solves a fifteen year old mystery!”

Coming soon: Bowl Predictions, Coaching thoughts, Cotton Bowl Preview
Coming Later: Tubbs and Borges Comic!

*Beautifully ironic statement
**From Tiny Tim’s “Living in the Sunlight”


Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com