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by Ryan
9-5-06
I never thought I would be jumping off the couch in excitement from watching a 15-0 win for South Carolina over Mississippi State. It was easily the worst game I have ever watched in its entirety, yet I enjoyed every second of it. There is a football shaped void in my soul and I am finally whole again.
Part of starting a new season is understanding how out of shape you are. I almost passed out before the game even began. The pregame festivities for the Washington State game were probably the best I have ever seen. In psychology class, you will learn the part of your brain that governs the intake of awesomeness has a tolerance based on training. Considering the most awesome things I have experienced in the last half a year consists of Snakes on a Plane and watching a some dude running to class trip so hard that he ROLLED AFTER FALLING, I was not at all ready for this game.
First of all, we look freakin’ sweet in those Under Armour uniforms. We look like androids sent from the future to destroy everything that sucks. Even though the new catchphrase for Under Armour: “Click Clack” is a hard-to-argue case that evolution did occur and Cro-Magnon man is head of the Under Armour advertising committee, we still look beastly.
There is something so wrong about the Tommy Tuberville/Under Armour commercial that it just feels right. But knowing that Tubbs has his arms interlocked with imposters pretending to be Auburn players makes me feel uneasy. I feel like Tubbs has cheated on us. Watching him arm-in-arm with a 6’ 4” David Irons has to be similar to watching your girlfriend make out with some guy as part of a movie role. But Tubbs did what he had to I suppose. I guess part of this relationship is trust. My former roommate wouldn’t even play as Auburn in NCAA 2006 simply because he doesn’t want to take Tubbs job. That’s commitment.
We’re busting
into the T-shirt business and this was one of my ideas, which would break
about 24 copyright infringement laws (don’t worry, this isn’t
really going to be a shirt):
As far as the game goes, I was pretty impressed with Auburn. I’m officially nicknaming Kenny Irons as “Iron Man” because there is no physical way he is merely a human. Brandon Cox gets a passing grade (wah wah wahhhhhh). He made several really good plays (rushing for the first down when all receivers were locked up) but he was throwing the ball behind his receivers a noticeable number of times. Our defense is awesome. Once again, people will demerit Auburn because we make teams look much worse than they really are. David Irons didn’t allow a single deep pass on him. Even though he got two blatant passing interference calls, I thought he did a great job of shutting down one of the best receivers in the nation Jason Hill. The only real downside to this game is that we exposed ourselves as a team that can be overpowered by strong runningbacks. But then again, we haven’t unleashed Trae Blackmon from his fortress of solitude yet. He’ll put a quick end to any rushing attempt and/or oppositions attempt to continue existing.
Let me end this by answering a few frequently asked questions:
Q: Hey Ryan,
where is your jersey?
A: The game was supposed to be “All Auburn, All Orange” which
I have complied with each season. It just turns out that whoever is in charge
of telling everyone about it did a terrible job.
Q: Did you follow
your own advice and bring over the counter drugs to the game?
A: No. I’m an idiot because I felt like I accidentally wore crimson
and got sacked by Quentin Groves.
Q: If we were
to intercept the ball, and everyone was running in the other direction, would
we be allowed to jumpkick them? (Question courtesy of Wilson)
A: Only if it is between the hashmarks.
War Eagle!
Ryan can be contacted at
ryan@theauburner.com
