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I walk into my Intro to
Electrical Engineering course ready to partake in a test. Naturally, I was
almost late because I had to ritualistically eat a candy bar before the test
(gives me super test-taking powers). I unzip the smaller pocket of my backpack
and pull out not one, but two pencils, should one pencil fail to perform its
given purpose midway through the test. Like the clumsy oaf that I am, I immediately
drop one of the pencils on the desk, to which I slam my hand down upon to
prevent it from bouncing off the desk and onto the floor. It would happen
to by my luck that the pencil foresaw the oncoming hand-slam and pointed its
sharp head upwards in self-defense, leading to an under-the-breath expletive
“funky… buttloved!” (classic Rookie of the Year reference)
and a slightly bleeding hand to attend to as the test is being handed out.
It was only a couple hours later at my apartment that my roommate Lawson knocked
on my door and asked if I wanted to go work out. I defeated my natural tendency
toward laziness and opted to join in. About 15 minutes into the workout I
look at my hand and it seems as though all the dirt and grime on my hands
that came from sharing the same barbell as hundreds of sweaty dudes in a humid
room was isolated completely around my cut from the pencil. I decide to take
a break to go and wash my hands, to prevent infection and, more importantly,
prevent the scorning from my mom and sister for not washing the cut. I rush
to the bathroom and start washing my hands, and the door is already wide open,
I figured it was being cleaned. So I’m washing my hands and of course
I’m humming to the tune of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,”
which I don’t know how that got stuck in my head in the first place.
I won’t even tell you what happened next, because I think we all know
what happened next. So then I walked back to the weight room and looked at
Lawson, he knew before I even told him, I’m that easy to read. “Uh
oh. What did you do this time?” Lawson asked in an almost rhetorical
fashion. I told the truth because I don’t know how to lie: “I
went into the women’s bathroom… again.” Lawson, while shaking
his head says “I knew it!”
It was almost like a Seinfeld episode where stupid things could have been
prevented by completely unrelated other acts of stupidness, but it all comes
together in the end. It turns out that while I was lathering my hands with
soap and humming to myself, a lady walked in, almost ignoring my presence,
and walks right by me. I look around… crap… no urinals. “I’m
in the wrong bathroom aren’t I?” which I didn’t even need
to ask. The lady, in a surprisingly casual fashion said “Oh, yeah, hehe.
It’s okay.” Does this happen to her all the time? Anyways, I then
scurry out of the women’s bathroom out into the hallway, with soapy
hands mind you, and proceed to the guys bathroom, giggling the entire way.
Do these things happen to everyone, or am I just some sort of social disaster
waiting to happen? Anyways, take what I say with about a pound of salt.
So what happens when you kick two dogs in the face and then throw them into a pin? To be honest, I really don’t know, but I assume that the two dogs would tear each other apart. That’s pretty much how I see this year’s Iron Bowl. Both teams have suffered pride-butchering losses last week, and both teams will be giving their last-ditch effort to salvage a somewhat successful 2006 season. This is not going to be your typical Iron Bowl, my friend. Somehow, both teams are going into this game with an All-or-Nothing attitude. Is it sad that Mike Shula’s 10-2 record last year may save his job this year, while Tuberville’s current 9-2 record is bringing him great criticism? That says a little something about the gap between our programs. War Eagle.
Auburn and Alabama are
two of the very few teams who have played eleven straight weeks of football,
opting to take their off game on the last week of the season. This hardly
bodes well for teams in the SEC, and as a result, Auburn and Alabama are both
injury plagued teams and neither will play quite to their potential this Saturday.
This Saturday will be a great chance to see what its like to be in the Big
East. This will likely be one of the sloppiest, ugliest games played in the
SEC. These are my specific predictions for this game:
Total Turnovers: 5 (There’s
no way to tell how the turnovers will be divided)
Plays for 40+ yards: 4 (None of them lead to a touchdown)
Number of times Mike Shula calls someone a “Silly Goose”: 14 (8
of them to JPW)
Pass Interference Calls on David Irons: 2 (One will be legitimate)
Number of times Al Borges eats a hot dog: 8 (No Chili, extra Slaw, and some
will get on his shirt)
Total Sacks: 10 (5 for Bama, 5 for Auburn)
Number of Times an Auburn Receiver will fall without being tackled: 5
Number of Mullets on the field at any given time: 4 (All Belong to Bama)
Despite the fact that both teams are likely low on confidence and are both unhealthy, I’m projecting this to be the best Iron Bowl of the decade. By best, I mean the most chaotic. There is honestly no telling what is going to happen on that field Saturday. There will probably be an explosion of some sort. I project some sort of animal to break loose and run across the field. At some point, I see the ground opening up midfield and a giant stage will rise from the opening, occupied by Aerosmith and Snoop Dogg, in the middle of an Alabama drive. The bottom line is that this will probably be the most frenzied, unpredictable, yet awesome game we have seen all year.
So how do you call a game where talent level means practically nothing? You look at all the signs.
How does each team do in big games? Alabama hasn’t beaten a ranked team this year, but should have beaten Arkansas. Auburn focused their best efforts into 6 quarters spread between thier wins over LSU and Florida, while being completely blown out by supposed underdogs Arkansas and Georgia. Auburn has a great advantage going into this game considering who they’ve beaten and who they’ve lost to. Alabama hasn’t beaten anyone, but has lost to some really good teams… and some sorry ones.
Advantage: Auburn
Home field disadvantage? Auburn has won, if I remember correctly, 37 straight games in Tuscaloosa. Alabama will have to find a way to shake that stat out of their mind if they are going to keep up with the Tigers. I have a feeling that Alabama fans are going to be a bit rowdier than they usually are (and we here at The Auburner didn’t help the situation at all). I’m giving home field advantage back to Alabama this time.
Advantage: Alabama
Who wants it more? For the past two years, Auburn has done rather poorly against teams that come out swinging. Georgia Tech, Wisconsin, Arkansas, Georgia. We beat a Florida squad coming off battle against LSU and we beat LSU because they are LSU. I would imagine that Bama is pretty upset about the whole “thumb” thing. Auburn, on the other hand, wants this game because it would be hilarious if we did give them the thumb after all the talking about it.
Advantage: Alabama
Who is more clutch? Alabama has done a pretty good job so far this year of playing really good teams close, but can’t seem to make the big play when they need to. Alabama has close wins over Vanderbilt and Ole Miss, but lost heartbreakers to Tennessee and Arkansas. Auburn won a couple of very clutch wins against Florida and LSU, and held onto a wins against South Carolina and Ole Miss. Auburn hasn’t lost any close games this year.
Advantage: Auburn
Bound to Rebound? Both teams are coming off rough losses, and both teams have already experienced disappointment this season. Auburn came off their big loss to Arkansas earlier this season and played with enough passion to beat a retrospectively better Florida team. Alabama came off a heartbreaker against Arkansas and shocked Florida in their next game (at least for the first half), but couldn’t hold on for the win. Alabama later came off a devastating loss to Mississippi State and played about as well as they were expected in a loss to LSU.
Advantage: Auburn
So if you throw talent and records out the door (which both would be in Auburn’s favor), you have Auburn coming into the game with the slight edge according to my efforts to apply logic to the Iron Bowl, which usually is pointless. The real question is “Is Auburn going to show up for this game?” There are two Auburn teams, the usual sloppy Auburn, and the Auburn that emerges from its cocoon and becomes a non-gay butterfly of flame, death, rage, and lasers.
Let this be the year of the Thumb.
War Eagle!
Ryan can be contacted at
ryan@theauburner.com
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