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by Ryan
12-22-06
There are different levels of disappointment in life:
1) Mild Disappointment: ex) Getting a burger or steak overcooked at your favorite restaurant
2) Medium Disappointment: ex) Your dog poops inside the house
3) Hot Disappointment: ex) Auburn is served a massive helping of humble pie against a Georgia team that lost to Vanderbilt
4) Fire Disappointment: ex) You’re an Alabama fan
5) Tongue-Torch Disappointment: You find out your long-term girlfriend is actually a dude on an anniversary special of Ricki Lake
6) Nuclear Disappointment: ex) Rocky VI
After viewing
this movie, I felt it was a civic duty of mine to get the word out that Rocky
Balboa is one of the most disappointing movies I have ever seen. You are thinking
one of two things about this movie:
1) Dude, Rocky is awesome! I don’t care if he’s 60!
Or
2) Dude, Rocky is 60, I absolutely refuse to see this movie!
Those of you who agree with #2 are right.
I’ll go ahead and get the good things about the movie out of the way. For a 60 year old, Sylvester Stallone is ripped. He’s ripped for a 20 year old. They kind of used the same advertising tactics that they used for Godzilla for Rocky Balboa. No one knew what Godzilla looked like until they saw the movie, and people would go see the movie just to see what Godzilla looked like: A giant Iguana (AWESOME!). Similarly, I saw this movie primarily to see if Sly could still pass off as a threatening boxer at the age of 60. What was a little disturbing about Rocky’s physique was not that he’s muscular or in great shape, but he has become completely engulfed in VEINS! In this movie, Sylvester Stallone looks like a giant leathery heart:
Okay, that was the good thing about the movie: Sylvester Stallone is actually still in great shape. Now onto what is horrible about this movie. I couldn’t
understand half of the things that Sylvester Stallone was trying to
say. My friends and I were wondering if Sly was actually supposed to
say something specific from the script and he just aimlessly butchered
the English language by muttering “muhrurohrooo,” or if
on the script they actually just put: |
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Pauly: He’s
a Bum!
Rocky: *Mutters indecipherable Stallonian-Italian gibberish*
Adrian is dead. Rocky spends over half the movie teasing this chick he met at a bar. But the relationship goes nowhere, because Rocky still has Adrian in his heart. Awwww. Each Rocky movie needs something to kill time leading up to the training montage and the huge fight. In the first Rocky we enjoy the pleasant clashing of personalities between Rocky and Adrian as they develop a relationship. In Rocky 2 Adrian has a baby and slips into a coma. In Rocky 3, Rocky is caught up by pride and is humiliated in the ring by Mr T, and also has a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan. In Rocky 4, Apollo Creed is killed by the Super Russian Ivan Drago. In Rocky 5, Rocky becomes a manager and has to deal with his punk underling and then is forced to “Stall-own” him… But in Rocky 6, Rocky teases a chick and never does anything about it.
The fight was awful. In each of the Rocky movies, you have some sort of fear that Rocky is going to be beaten to death. But in Rocky Balboa, despite the fact that the 60 year old Rocky could kick the bucket due to wearing soggy socks outside, you never get the sense that he is about to be punched so hard that his already permanently bruised brain might finally detach. In fact, according to the fight in this movie, the 60 year old Rocky is the least likely to be hurt.
The villain was weak. Mason Dixon was portrayed as an overrated champion in the first place. The fight between Dixon and Rocky was dubbed an exhibition, and was supposed to be a “glorified sparring match.” Dixon even says before the fight that he wasn’t going to try unless he feels threatened! The announcers in the movie even mentioned that Dixon looks like he’s out of shape for the fight and he wasn’t taking it seriously. During the match, Dixon BREAKS HIS HAND! They could not have made this fight any easier and less meaningful for Rocky. And despite having every single lucky ‘break’ (pun intended) going his way, Rocky still loses in a split decision, but takes home a moral victory… I already saw this movie earlier this year when Alabama lost to Florida.
So the moral of this movie was supposed to be that no matter what everyone thinks, “You gotta do what you gotta do.” That no matter how hard you might fall, don’t let anyone talk you out of chasing what you think is right. I wanted to go see this movie because I love the Rocky franchise. I have been yelled at for wanting to see this movie, I have been hounded for being interested in seeing a 60 year old Rocky return to the ring, I have been ridiculed for even giving this movie a chance! But I applied the lesson that I was yet to even learn from this movie, I ignored everyone’s negative comments and followed my own dreams. And what was my reward? Watching an old leathery organ lose to an overrated chump with a broken hand in a meaningless fight. The real lesson: When everyone gangs up on you and tells you that your dreams are stupid and fruitless, listen to them and stop chasing your stupid dreams, you bum!
WAR EAGLE!
E-mail ryan at
ryan@theauburner.com
