SEC Teams and Their Corporate Counterparts
7-19-08
by: Spencer Lee

The Auburner welcomes guest writer Spencer Lee as he continues our "comparing football teams to things that aren't football teams" series.

Alabama – Arthur Andersen

Brought down by multiple scandals. The best days are clearly behind them as they are a shell of their former self. Though internally they insist their best days are still ahead. Both used to think they were above the law…both were wrong. Bad at math…for Andersen, 3% investment in a foreign investment does NOT equal total write off of ALL liabilities. For Bama, 7 does NOT equal 12.




Auburn – Southern Company

Capable of turning the lights out on anyone that opposes them. Collect vitriolic rivals like a magnet. Particularly disliked by Arthur Andersen, Oracle, RC Cola and Exxon. Capable of “going nuclear” at any time. Home to countless engineers.

Georgia – Oracle

Sworn enemy of Microsoft. Despite any and all factors in their favor they are never able to come out of the shadow of their nemesis.


Florida – Microsoft

Formerly led by a demi-god evil genius. VERY well capitalized. Loathed by millions (but many of them secretly are envious of their success).


Tennessee – IBM

Very proud of the fact they are big. Despite their size, they are not prone to innovation. Once an undisputed champion but has since drifted back to the pack. Myopic to a fault.

Vanderbilt – Apple

The source of massive intellectual clout and achievement but small market presence compared to IBM. Very proud they are UNLIKE IBM. In fact, very proud they are unlike anyone else. Outside of IBM, no one can really hate Apple.

Ole Miss – RC Cola

Quintessential Southern but also a relic from the past. Without a major overhaul their best days are decades ago. Still hard to viscerally dislike them because you can’t take them seriously as a competitive force.


Mississippi State – Moon Pie

I know this isn’t a “company” but it also is quintessential Southern and thus, goes perfectly with RC Cola (but don’t tell RC that). The bonus here is you can easily enjoy a Moon Pie in one hand while wagging that infernal cow bell in the other.

LSU – Exxon

Tiger for a mascot. Both ran aground in 1989 and took years to clean up the mess (March 24, 1989 the Exxon Valdez ran aground – literally – with an infamous oil spill courtesy a drunken captain while LSU went from a share of the SEC title in ‘88 to six straight losing seasons). Both had success in some part due to things falling in their lap (Saban’s National Title came despite losing at home to a Ron Zook five loss Florida team. The Mad Hatter won a National Championship with TWO losses and all the planets lining up for him in the final week of the season). Both are envied for their success.

Kentucky – Kentucky Fried Chicken

Almost NOTHING goes down easier than KFC’s delicious mashed potatoes with gravy. Except for 2007, almost NOTHING goes down easier than a UK football team on a Fall afternoon.

Arkansas – PeTA

Both seek to protect pigs from widespread slaughter; both have their DEEPLY devoted fans but an even larger number of people that make fun of them for their extreme antics (case in point: Bobby Petrino’s late night opening press conference with that ridiculous “Go Pig Sooey,” I rest my case).



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