While each college football season is unique there are certain things one can count on happening each season. Power teams will load up on cupcakes early in the season, a name coach will find himself on the hot-seat, Lee Corso will contract rabies, a Big Ten linebacker will come out of the closet, etc. But some truly surprising things will happen, like the revelation that an amateur football player received money from a booster. SHOCKING. Oh for the purity of the sport of fifty years ago when players did not receive money from boosters. Back then they got payments straight from the university president
As for awards - who cares. If you want me to care about the Heisman Trophy then award one to an Offensive Lineman or Defensive player who doesn't double as the third Wide Receiver. What I care about are the teams. And point spreads. And rumors, like which SEC assistant coach likes to sashay around in a cocktail dress or the location of the Sela Ward-Bear Bryant love child. But mostly its about the teams. So with the aid of my AbsoPrecisionHyperIndex(APHI), the sophisticated formula that has correctly picked 6 of the last 12 winners of Wrestlemania, I give to you the American (and in some cases English) football fan
The APHI PreSeason Top 25
1. THE
Vanderbilt University APHI 97.32
Yes, I know it's been a while since the black and gold of Nashville has had
a winning season. No one on their roster was even born the last time the Near
Admirals had a winning season. And their starting QB from last season is now
playing in the NFL for a team whose current uniforms looked absolutely gaudy
when introduced but now look reasonably acceptable. But that was the past
and I'm not here to talk about Mark McGuire. They have found a QB who can
be that all important difference maker. Chris Booker had 3 sacks last season
and he returns, so you know what that means. And it looks like the Titans
will suck this year, so look for the front running C&W royalty at THE
Vanderbilt University games this year.
The schedule is manageable. The 'Dores should be able to blow past Michigan and Alabama on the road to open the season. The real challenge comes October 28 when our boys travel to Durham,NC and tangle with the always fierce Duke Blue Devils. If THE Vanderbilt University can defend the 3-point line and grab some offensive rebounds, they should come out winners.
One other thing. Am I the only one amused by the pathetic Ohio State NFL felons who introduce themselves as attending THE Ohio State University. Enough of this nonsense. Let's all make 2006 the year of "THE Vanderbilt University" as the Commodores celebrate their best season since Lionel Richie begat his horror-child Nicole.
2. USC
APHI 97.31
Remember when Pete Carroll was hired at USC and Jim Rome referred to USC as
SCCC-Southern California Community College- because of AD Mike Garrett's botched
handling of the search for a new football coach and they had to SETTLE FOR
PETE CARROLL? Apparently Pete Carroll doesn't. He goes on the Rome show occasionally.
I'm not a fan of the goateed faux hip lingo spewing Mr. Rome, but like the
esteemed Mr.Rush "Let's stop coddling drug addicts" Limbaugh, you
can't avoid him. Rome is the boy in 6th grade who mercilessly ridicules the
ugly girl then pretends to have been her friend all along in 10th grade when
she becomes a stunner. You don't want to be friends with Jim Rome or any of
the Media Whores who populate his show, like John Feinstein or Skip Bayless.
Despite having last year's entire roster taken in the first round of the NFL draft USC has enough talent to beat most schools by 54 points or more. They will again run the table until the BCS championship game when THE Vanderbilt University, led by their difference making QB and Chris Booker, will upend them. I don't know which bowl will be the BCS championship game. I do know Fox will be televising it, so look for every cast member of every Fox prime time show to be in attendance and to get face time during the game. That's the Fox attitude.
3. Huxley
APHI 97.30
The Swordfish have been a player in big time college football since the 1930's
when school president Quincy Adams Wagstaff revitalized the program. As always,
the key game will be the late season showdown with Darwin.
4. New
Mexico State APHI 52.16
Yes, I know the Aggies went 0-12. Yes, I know Hal Mumme is the coach. But
consider this: The greatest player in NMSU history, Charley Johnson, is also
the head of the school's Chemical Engineering Department. Think about it this
way: What if Barry Sanders returns to Oklahoma State not to be the Football
Coach or to be the Athletic Director but to teach and do research. Dr. Johnson
played in the NFL in the 1960's when it was common for QBs to get advanced
degrees in science and technology fields. This led the NFL to build up the
idea of the advanced mind needed to be a pro field general. Fortunately, in
the 1970's Terry Bradshaw and Kenny Stabler became starting QBs and order
was restored.
5. Wisconsin
APHI 49.08
Before we enter into discussing the current Badgers let me spend some time
giving homage to the former coach and current AD Barry Alvarez. Before the
arrival of BA UW was in such sad condition that people wondered if they even
fielded a team. Here is a sample of UW scores pre BA:
Notre Dame jv 63 Wisconsin 0
Michigan 157 Wisconsin -5
A team of anemic
8 year old girls 17 Wisconsin 13
Then Mr. Alvarez came in and things changed. Winning became habit. Rose Bowl
appearances were common. And Mr. Alvarez's' son blew up a parrot in a microwave.
They even managed to avenge the loss to the 8 year old anemic girls, though
in fairness the girls were missing their leading rusher who was emotionally
crippled for the game after learning that there really aren't any unicorns.
UW was better under Alvarez senior though you have got to worry about any
wuss team that would lose to them in a bowl game.
Last year UW had another good year. The offense was stellar while the defense
was not. Naturally, the Defensive Coordinator became the Head Coach, proving
once again that the most important prerequisite for becoming a head coach
is that one must look the part. But all is not lost. They have talent. They
have tradition. And most importantly, they have a deep supply of parrots.
6. A
University Located in the State of Ohio APHI 48.88
Pro: The most exceptional collection of talent this side of the Pittsburgh
Steelers.
Con: Most of that talent is in the county lock-up.
7. College
of Cardinals APHI 47.00
The Redbirds will rebound from a disappointing season that saw them lose to
BYU, SMU, Baylor, TCU, and Huxley.
8. University of Alabama @ Las Vegas 44.13
As with any Vegas team they're loaded. Don't be surprised to see the new offensive
coordinator to make a few gambles.
9. Purdue
39.16
Once again Purdue will be known as the Boilermakers. This could be enough
for 3rd in the Big Ten/Eleven.
10. Faber College 39.09
11. Marquette
39.06
Marquette will be aided by being members of the highly competitive Big East
conference and hampered by the fact they don't really have a football team.
But keep this in mind. The New Orleans Saints have been a part of the NFL
since 1967 despite the fact they've never really had a team. All you really
need is a good logo. Just avoid the anemic 8 year old girls until you're ready.
12. Stanford
39.05
The geek who wrote the program for APHI went to Stanford.
13. UCLA
39.03
UCLA will once again battle USC for supremacy of LA. And once again will get
pummeled. UCLA is after all a basketball school and the Bruins lost in the
finals of the tourney to another basketball school, Florida. These things
happen. Oregon State won the baseball title despite the fact it rains 363
days a year in Corvallis. Auburn is the power in swimming despite the fact
that Baptist, who make up the majority of the student body, are incapable
of doing anything in water but dog paddle. This is caused by tha same gene
that inhibits dancing. And Raghib Ismael went to Notre Dame. UCLA will have
to take solace in the fact that they have the best looking uniforms in college
football.
14. Oil
of Olay 39.01
Good for dry skin.
15. Texas
M&M 39.00
A rather plain offense combined with a peanut defense. Tend not to melt under
pressure.
16. University
of Phoenix 25.61
The Firebirds are in their first year of D1A play. They currently have over
100 home fields scattered across the nation. Watch out for this team in the
future. They could be to the 2010's what Miami was to the 1980's. What font
was I originally in? This is the second time today this has messed with me.
17. Votre
Dame 19.12
This is not the same old Notre Dame. This is the Bizzaro World Notre Dame,
coached by a skinny guy who likes to run the ball. And their nickname is "The
Passive-Aggressive Irish".
18. Florida
State College for Women 18.12
If these are women then they are the ugliest, most masculine women since...what?
They changed the name of the school? When? 1948! OK, I missed that memo. Someone
go wake up the coach and let him know it's time for him to stand around and
act like he knows what's going on.
19. Whatsamatta
U. 18.01
It is about time for the fans of this school to wake up and face reality.
Bullwinkle used up his eligibility over forty years ago. He ain't coming back.
He can't come back. He's not even real. Neither is this school. But hearing
people whine about long gone glory days is like watching fans of a school
wear hounds-tooth hats. Still, not being a real school shouldn't be a total
detriment. I make them a 4 point favorite over the Saints, A 1 point underdog
to Marquette, and a tossup versus the anemic 8 year old girls.
20. Cornell
17.97
I know they're in the Ivy League but I owe a Cornell Alum money(no,not Ann
Coulter, who is at home nursing the child she conceived with Michael Moore).
Speaking of which, doesn't Ivy League football make you sick? If not it should.
These are the people who invented college football as we know it, including
slush funds and sixth year seniors. When they saw they couldn't compete against
the Big Ten for supremacy THEN they saw the light and began playing "pure"
college football. WELL WHOOP DEE DO!
21. Northwestern
17.76
Remember when Northwestern used to suck and people suggested they should be
in the Ivy League? Well, they stuck it out unlike the pansies at Harvard and
Yale.
22. Starfleet
Academy 16.62
Good come from behind team.
23. Starbucks
14.92
Fast starters who fade late. A trendy pick.
24. Directional
Louisiana 13.21
With the synergies of four campuses, three that actually play football, they
should be able to come up with one good team. WAIT! Two of the schools changed
their names. This joke would have worked ten years ago. I tried.
25. Alabama
Polytechnical Institute 10.66
Come with me to a special land where the most sacred object is the number
34 and it’s always 1957. A land where people refer to tigers as eagles
and vice versa. A land that refers to itself as "The Loveliest Village"
though like most places the most charming thing they have is a Super Walmart.
These are nice people for the most part. Do them a favor. Don't introduce
them to reality. This could hurt. Still, they are better equipped to live
in the outside world than the residence of Capstone and followers of Anachronism
U. These people think that a man who died almost a quarter of a century ago
and who mumbled everything he ever said is the wisest man who ever lived.
Both groups deserve each other.
Other schools receiving consideration: Julliard, Smeal, Drexel, Cheddar, Southeastern
Bible College
E-mail Uncle
Steve at SIRXZXRE@aol.com